A lot has happened in a short space of time for me, from diagnosis one day to starting treatment straight away! Everything seemed to go at 100 miles an hour, there was so much information to take in, then at home or with friends everyone wanted to know all about it. Then there was the treatment itself to get my head round, and even now I still don’t fully understand what MS means to me, and how it is going to effect me for the rest of my life.
Things now are slowing down a bit and the novelty has seemed to worn off, everything that needs to be discussed has been, and im left with nothing else to say about it and I’m not sure where I go from here.
I’m starting to digest bits at a time but it’s still so huge!
Things sometimes pop into my head and it’s like a sudden realisation which throws me for a bit. Like ordering a repeat prescription for painkillers. I hardly ever used to take tablets, only if I was in agony. But now I take a lot, and will do for the rest of my life. The rest of your life is a long time when you think about it. Or when I drop things, the realisation that this is permanent and will get worse. It seems so final.
It got me thinking about something I read:
The 5 stages of accepting an illness are:
I don’t know if I believe this as I’m not sure I’m in any of these. Now at first we did the whole denial bit and sometimes I go back to that. When MS was mentioned I had hardly any symptoms and i seemed like the most unlikely person to have it. I was fit and healthy, I went running and felt good. So the denial was understandable I thought. Now the denial seems to be more like, “i’m not ill” and “i’m not disabled” I think this because I don’t feel like it. I have never got angry about it either, I’ve not had the “why me” thoughts, I did get upset when it first hit, I was worried about the life me and my husband would have together. I felt so guilty I was putting him through this, he didn’t sign up for this life, I thought about when our kids were older and we get some time together, what if he misses out on that because he is caring for me? He did point out that I’m so spoilt anyway he is almost my carer! Now if they had ‘confused’ or ‘overwhelmed’ as a stage I could relate to that a bit better right now.
I am hoping that given time, things will just slot themselves into place, and I will be able to just adapt my life around my MS. Until then ill just need to take it one day at a time.